


these days we have

by shaylawrites (thominwtt)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-10-01 19:43:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20383810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thominwtt/pseuds/shaylawrites
Summary: Of the two of them, Dan will be the one to disappear without telling Phil, whether it’s a walk to calm down or a chill-out on their balcony in the middle of the night. Phil, on the other hand, feels too hard sometimes; knows the panic he himself goes through whenever Dan leaves without telling him where he’s going. So Phil always tells Dan if he’s going anywhere.He didn't today.





	these days we have

**Author's Note:**

> this is what I like to call a long version of a drabble that is literally just dnp living together post-coming out but before they have uploaded anything else on their channels.
> 
> (also thanks to alex and dani for reading this over for me I love you guys to bits and the gc is lucky to have you!)
> 
> if you want to see more of me I'm @canicryyet on twitter :)

Dan wakes up to an empty bed. He realizes it immediately, but not because he’s cold; the blankets are still wrapped firmly around him, and, with the summer the way it has been in London, it’s hard to be cold inside no matter what day it is. Instead, he’s missing the lanky body that is normally intertwined with his, the face that nuzzles its way into his neck and the long arms that make him feel secure when they’re wrapped around him. It’s all missing, and Dan doesn’t know what to think at first. It’s unusual, if only because of the fact that neither he nor Phil ever gets out of bed before nine. And, when Dan lifts his head to stare wearily at the clock on his phone, he sees that it’s only a little after six in the morning, and Phil is absent from their bed. 

Sitting up, Dan slowly blinks away the sleep from his eyes, gazing around the empty room. Their door is cracked open as it normally is during this time of year; the air from the open windows in the living room wafting into their bedroom to keep it cool. Dan reaches out an arm to feel the other side of the bed. It’s cold like Phil has been gone for a while, and a frown tugs on Dan’s lips.

Of the two of them, Dan will be the one to disappear without telling Phil, whether it’s a walk to calm down or chill-out on their balcony in the middle of the night. Phil, on the other hand, feels too hard sometimes; knows the panic he himself goes through whenever Dan leaves without telling him where he’s going. So Phil always tells Dan if he’s going anywhere.

Dan tries to calm the automatic nervousness he feels as he sits up in their bed, listening closely for the sounds of Phil puttering around their house. He tells himself he’s being ridiculous, but there’s a persistent memory of Phil lying on their bathroom floor that won’t leave his mind. He stands, throwing on a shirt from the floor and making his way to the hallway. 

He wanders to the kitchen. Phil isn’t there, nor is he in the living room when Dan checks. Dan tries to slow his breathing, almost ready to run back upstairs to his phone to call Phil when he sees a slight movement from their balcony. 

The anxiety curling in Dan’s stomach dissipates almost instantly and he breathes out a relaxing sigh. He walks out onto the balcony, shivering as the early-morning London air hits his bare skin. The corners of his mouth turn up in a smile as he gazes at his boyfriend standing near the edge, facing away from Dan as he looks out from the balcony. He’s just in boxers and a t-shirt, his bare feet on their chilled floor, and Dan rolls his eyes at Phil’s ignorance to the cold, even though he himself isn’t that much better.

“Isn’t it a bit early to be having alone thoughts on the balcony,” Dan says, taking a couple of strides until he’s behind Phil. He wraps his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, burying his face in the back of Phil’s neck. He feels the way Phil shivers at his touch but is oddly stiff as Dan presses a kiss to his skin.

Dan wiggles the tips of his fingers under Phil’s shirt, stroking a thumb along his side to try and get him to relax, but it only makes Phil tense more. Dan realizes immediately that something is off.

“You know no one will see us like this out here,” Dan murmurs, hoping to cure Phil of his worries, “and besides, we’ve done worse on this balcony.”

Instead of a giggle he expects at the recent memory of them accidentally making out against their wall, Dan gets no response. The anxiety that was present earlier starts to resurface is his belly, and he kisses the back of Phil’s neck. He’s not sure if it’s to reassure Phil or reassure himself that nothing is wrong.

But Phil stays silent, and Dan’s worry grows. “Phil?”

Dan feels Phil start to shift away from his arms, so he loosens his grip and lets him turn. His breath catches in his chest when he sees Phil’s expression; down-turned eyes and his jaw so tense that Dan can almost hear the sound of him grinding his teeth. He doesn’t doubt that if he looked at Phil’s hands they’d be clenched into tense fists at his sides, but he doesn’t want to shift his gaze away from his boyfriend’s face. Just in case he misses some small detail that might tell him why Phil is so upset.

Blue eyes flick up to Dan’s, meeting his for less than a second before lowering again. Phil tries for a reassuring smile, but the expression barely twitches his lips. “Hey.”

Dan reaches out, intent on pulling Phil back into his arms to comfort him, but Phil takes a step back.

“Sorry,” Phil says. He sounds almost breathless, and it reminds Dan of long nights and comforting each other when the stress of work and projects were too much to bear.

“Phil,” Dan says softly, trying not to let his own voice shake, “are you having a panic attack right now?” He’s learned, over the years, that, with Phil, it’s easier to be direct than dance around the topic.

Phil squeezes his eyes shut and raises his hands to wring them together. It takes a moment, but Phil eventually nods, reaching out to Dan with shaking hands. Dan wraps him up in his arms, using his height to his advantage to tuck Phil into his chest.

“What do you need?” Dan mumbles into his hair, squeezing Phil tight when he feels wetness start to gather at the collar of his t-shirt.

“Just this, for a minute,” Phil manages to get out. His voice is raspy and wavered and Dan feels a ball gathering in his throat at the sound. He lets a couple of his own tears go, the ever-changing feelings and situations they have been facing recently making him more emotional than he is usually.

Eventually, they make it inside, after Phil has calmed down enough to suggest watching something on Netflix. Dan can tell his anxiety is still rolling just under Phil’s skin, but agrees regardless, knowing that the rest will come out soon.

Dan puts on an episode of Queer Eye that they have already seen and goes to the kitchen to get them some water. The show pauses while Dan is out of the room, and he hurries back, entering the living room. His gaze immediately centers on Phil. His eyes are shut again, long lines of tears leaking through his eyelids. But his chest is moving, slowly and rhythmically, and the sight makes Dan breathe out the gallon of air he didn’t know he was holding in.

He sets the water down on the coffee table, settling on the couch without trying to distract Phil from his breathing. It doesn’t really work; Phil’s eyes flutter open as soon as Dan settles himself, but Phil’s shoulders are looser and his faceless pinched. Tears are still gathering in his eyes and slipping down his cheeks, but Dan knows from experience that they take a while to leave completely.

“So I guess we’re talking now instead of later,” Dan says, giving Phil a small, encouraging smile. Phil nods, wiping at his wet cheeks.

“It started last night. When I was trying to fall asleep,” Phil starts, hands fidgeting in his lap. “I didn’t want to wake you because it was the first time you had fallen asleep early since we were in America.” Dan tries not to show a reaction to the words, knowing arguing about who’s mental health is more important between the two of them was not the answer.

He waits for Phil to continue, but he never does, breath becoming heavier as they sit in silence. Dan quickly realizes that today is a worse day than most.

“Are you still anxious from VidCon?” Dan says, trying to get Phil talking. Phil shakes his head, a choked sob coming from his throat when he opens his mouth to speak. Dan aches to reach out to him but knows that Phil will ask if he wants to be held.

“Sorry, it’s just,” Phil says when he can speak again, “just hard to talk right now.” He takes his glasses off and scrubs at his eyes.

Dan doesn’t realize he’s biting at the inside of his cheek until he goes to speak. “I know, but that’s why we do this, right?” He asks, not expecting a response. “And you know we’re not allowed to apologize.”

Dan can see another I’m sorry forming on Phil’s lips, but Phil clamps his mouth shut once he realizes. It gets Phil distracted enough that he can breathe deeply again, and Dan thinks quickly to keep him from sliding back into his anxious thoughts.

“Did you read something on Twitter? Or the news?” Dan knows that tragic world events can make Phil upset, but it seems deeper than that today.

Phil shakes his head again. “It’s about my next video.”

Dan frowns, forgetting himself for a second. “But you don’t even have a plan for it yet, I thought.”

“That’s the whole point.” Phil shrugs, looking sheepish and embarrassed and Dan hates that he said anything at all. 

They haven’t talked about it, that big rolling cloud hanging over their heads that is the aftermath of their coming out and the lack of videos. Dan doesn’t really mind; his fans are used to the hiatus’ and rare upload schedule, but he knows Phil is different. Phil worries about putting content out, worries about making his videos positive and his viewers happy. 

These next videos they upload shouldn’t be a big deal; they’re out now, shouldn’t it be a weight off of their shoulders now that they can create whatever they want? Well, for Dan, that’s exactly what it feels like. Sure, he’s always going to be nervous about what he puts out, but at the same time, he’s just glad to be able to be his true self.

Until now, that’s what Dan thought Phil felt as well.

“You’re worried people are going to be upset?” Dan guesses, trying to make his voice sound soft and non-judgmental. He knows it’s better to let Phil spill all of his worries before Dan tries to reassure him.

“I’m worried that it’s been too long between uploads and I’m disappointing people,” Phil says, and, though his voice is still shaky, Dan can start to see the tears ease up in his eyes.

“But it’s more than that,” Dan says after a moment of silence between the two of them.

Phil puts his head in his, twisting his fingers into his short strands of hair. Dan keeps an eye on it, making sure Phil’s not pulling at it. “I’m nervous that people will think I need to do something big or have a special project after I’ve finally come out, but there’s nothing planned and I can’t think of anything that will make people excited. And what if I put out something that I do like, and everyone is disappointed because it isn’t gay or it doesn’t have anything to do with us? And, now, of course, I feel like I’m overreacting because it’s stupid to worry about this shit but I can’t get it out of my head.” Phil breathes out heavily, like the words have been bottling up in him for so long that they couldn’t help but burst out. 

Dan lets the silence settle, making sure that Phil is finished before he begins, “Okay. I know you hate when I start with this, but you’re not stupid and you’re not overreacting. Your body is reacting to feelings you have and it’s producing anxiety and that’s not your fault, I promise.” Phil chews on his bottom lip, taking in Dan’s words. He lifts his arms suddenly, beckoning Dan to come and cuddle him, and Dan jumps at the chance, curling against Phil’s side.

When they're entwined together comfortably, Dan continues. “I think what’s happening is that you have all these pent up feelings from worrying about coming out, to worrying about VidCon, and now worrying about what your next video will be. And now it’s all coming together, and it’s making you one hundred times more anxious than you normally would. Does that sound right?”

Phil huffs a self-deprecating laugh. “You sound my therapist.”

Dan gives him a pointed look. “I’m trying.”

Phil leans over and buries his face in Dan’s chest, mumbling, “I’m sorry. It’s just hard to talk about it sometimes.”

“We talk about your anxiety all the time.” _Just like we talk about my depression_, Dan’s brain chimes in.

“Yeah, but it’s different.” 

“How?”

“Because I’m not the one who put together a forty-minute coming out video. I’m not the one who got ten million views and new fans and told everyone a really brave story about what I have gone through.” Phil takes a shaky breath and Dan runs a comforting hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t be the one freaking out about my next video, and having a breakdown in front of you about it, but somehow you’re the calm one and I’m the one crying in your lap.”

“So you expected me to have a mental breakdown?” Dan asks, only half-joking. He feels Phil’s shoulders go up in a shrug.

“I thought we might be having one together, I don’t know.”

Dan lifts Phil’s head so he can look his boyfriend in the eyes. “You know just because you feel things that I don’t doesn’t mean what you’re feeling is bad.”

Phil’s gaze twitches away from Dan’s, but he nods reluctantly. Dan is happy to see the tears have finally disappeared from his eyes.

“The people who watch your videos are still gonna be there when you post again, and they’re going to love what you post, regardless of what it is. And if they don’t, then it doesn’t matter. As long as you like it and you’re doing it for yourself, that’s all they, and I, care about.”

Dan leans forward to press a kiss against Phil’s hairline, feeling warm as Phil melts into his touch.

“Thank you,” Phil murmurs. Dan can tell by his tone of voice that the anxiety and stress over this situation isn’t finished, and he knows it will be a rough day, or couple of days for them as Dan tries to help Phil through it. But it isn’t the first time this has happened, and it won’t be the last. 

Even if they had a million of these kind of days together, Dan still wouldn’t trade it away.

**Author's Note:**

> so, this fic deals with anxiety and panic attacks, and the reason I wanted to write this is because I have recently been dealing with these myself, and I find it therapeutic to write about the shit i'm dealing with. so, obviously no one deals with anxiety the same way. this is just how I've learned/been taught how to deal with it, so, to make it easier, I did the same for Phil. this is also obviously not a speculation into what kind of anxiety Phil may or may not have or what he does to deal with it. it's just a fic I wanted to write.
> 
> thanks for reading :)


End file.
